Ready-Set-Go Gently Parenting

Christopher Collins, Nicole’s 12-year-old son, had a friend over. The friend had brought a small tent, and the two boys were planning to camp out over night in the back yard. Nicole had bought some marshmallows. They had looked up a “Night Sky” app, which told them they might be able to see Jupiter after dark. All seemed to be going well. Nicole had even allowed them to clear a space and build a rock circle for a campfire. However, as the boys were supposedly gathering wood to start the campfire, Nicole noticed some odd things: some pipes and some type of powder. Nicole had a thousand things to do, but suddenly huge red flags were waving around in her brain. Nicole dropped everything and ran outside, just in time to prevent the boys from attempting to set off a pipe bomb with actual gunpowder! Clearly, this was a case for intervention, and Nicole acted quickly to prevent loss of life and limb.

This chapter is not about exactly WHAT Nicole did; we can honestly say that she did not “go gently” ... but disaster was averted! Sometimes, it is obvious that the parent must intervene!

But much of the time, it’s not so obvious. Of course, it varies with age. A 12-year-old ought to be able to safely start a campfire, but a 3-year-old with a box of matches is a sign that the matches should be removed from his little hands immediately. But, then again, some 3-year olds have more sense than some 12-year olds!

Let us look first at all the many reasons NOT to intervene and to let your child make her own decisions.

Children need to learn to think for themselves. Children need time and space to pretend and learn and try new things. Children need to experience the natural consequences of their actions, assuming those actions are not life threatening.

All true! Absolutely! BUT... there is a balance. That’s why we are learning to “GO GENTLY” to shape our child’s behavior.

A child does not come into the world knowing what types of behavior are appropriate, nor even what types of behavior are SAFE.The parent is the first teacher, and the parent has the responsibility to teach and guide. Babies, children, teenagers, and young adults constantly encounter new situations. Do they always know what to do? Of course not! Sometimes the parent can and should help them figure it out.

Here is Dr. Reeves' list of when the parent should GO GENTLY and intervene.

Number 1: Immediate safety. We should all agree on this one. If a child of any age is about to do something that will likely cause serious harm, the parent will GO and remove the child from danger.

Examples: 2-year-old Kyleigh is climbing up toward the stove, and there is a pot of boiling vegetables just a few inches away.

7-year-old Matthew is about to run into the street, and there is a truck coming.

As above, 12-year-old Christopher is likely to blow body parts off with a homemade pipe bomb.

Number 2: Your child is harming someone else.

This happens. Usually, neither parent wants to believe his/her child is at fault. Oftentimes, “fault,” or “who started it” cannot be determined. But let’s say you are standing there, and you see your child biting another child! You must GO GENTLY and remove your child’s teeth from the other child’s body. The point is, in that moment, YOU are responsible for what your child’s teeth are doing! It doesn’t matter whether they are two years old and the other child just took your child’s toy, or whether they are ten years old and they hate each other; it’s just not OK to bite other people, and the parent has to teach that concept!

Number 3: Your child is damaging someone else’s property.

Again, it doesn’t matter why. Even if it is your mother’s ugly antique vase, and you have asked her one hundred times to move it where your toddler cannot reach it, it is still your responsibility to remove your toddler if he is about to break the vase. Sorry.

Number 4: Your child is being annoying to other people.

This is the TRULY difficult one! What “other people” define as “annoying” varies greatly! Let’s take the very common situation of waiting in line at a restaurant. Your family and about 15 other people are waiting outside on a pleasant evening, and your children and their cousins are running about happily squealing.They are not damaging anything or anybody, but they are noisy. Some people will be annoyed, but your children are not doing anything wrong. In this case, it’s perhaps best to speak to the other adults, and say something like, “I’m sorry they are so noisy, but if you can put up with it, we thought we would let them run about a bit before we get inside.” The vast majority of people will smile and say, “Oh, mine used to act a lot worse than that!” and there is no problem.

However, there are a couple of reasons you might have to intervene. Let’s say there is an elderly gentleman using a walker right in the line of the running and squealing. That’s a pretty easy GO GENTLY: you simply tell your child it’s best not to run and yell when there are so many other people around, because someone might get hurt, and you distract them with whatever works: often a game on your phone.

But let’s make this harder. Let’s say that one of the adults says something admonishing to your child.Then your child says something rude in return, such as “You can’t tell me what to do!” to a random adult. Yes, you have to intervene, (with your child, not with “random adult.”) Even if the adult “started it,” your child must learn not to be rude! Briefly say, “We’re sorry,” and move your child away from that particular adult. Nothing more. With that type of guidance, your child will gradually learn to take the surroundings and other people into account and to be more courteous.

Number 5: Your child wants YOUR attention.

In general, give it to her! At the very least, determine briefly what she needs or wants. If he wants to show you something he drew, or a bug or flower he just saw, look at it! Acknowledge it! If a playmate has gotten hurt, go rescue them!

However, there are times when your child must learn some priorities and courtesies. If you are speaking with another adult, and your child is in no distress and is just seeking attention “because,” then you should explain to him that you are speaking to an adult, and please do not interrupt. However, be careful here! Let’s say you are busy with an important task that you must finish, but your 9-year-old daughter wants help with a craft project. You tell her you will help her in half an hour.Then... DO IT! If you make a promise to your child, keep it! This starts long before they are 9 years old and continues into adulthood! YOU should be the one person in all the world that your child can trust, so keep your promises! If you tell your 3-year-old,“we’ll play in just a minute”... then play in just a minute!!! Always.

Dr. Reeves' list for when the parent should NOT intervene

Parenting is tough, because ideally you should ALWAYS be paying some attention to your child. If you ignore them, it should not be because you are unaware of them. However, “Selective Ignoring,” at times, is a valid parenting technique. If you are often giving plenty of positive attention, it’s very powerful. Unfortunately, if you are often ignoring your child anyway, it doesn’t work at all!

Here is my list of five times to ignore.

Number 1: Noise. Children love to make noise, and boys seem to love it even more than girls. They hum, they bang on things, they make random noises, they try out “bad words.” Usually it’s best to ignore all of this, instead of getting into a power struggle about making them stop.

Number 2: Whining. We all have all heard that whiny voice! You might even know adults who have a whiny voice! This starts about age three, and it needs to be promptly stopped. Here is how you stop it: Do not respond to anything stated in a whiny voice! Simply explain once to her that you “cannot hear” whining. Play your part well, and the whining will stop in just a few days!

A similar issue is the child who repeatedly says “Why?” about the exact same thing. This also tends to start at age three. Answer the first “why” courteously. But if he keeps saying “why?” about the same thing, just ignore.

Number 3: Rudeness. Do not respond to your child in any way if he is being rude to you! (Now, if he is rude to someone else, you will need to use READY-SET-GO GENTLY to correct him.) But in general, if you play your part correctly, rudeness will go away after a while if you do not respond at all.  [Detail about how Nicole and Christopher deal with rudeness will be coming up in a later section called  “Techniques for the Middle School Years.”]

Number 4: Trying to get your attention when you are speaking with another adult. Be certain your child is in no actual distress. If it just an attention getting ploy, and she is old enough to understand, then ignore her. If she is little, under 3 or so, pick her up, then finish your adult conversation before you talk to her.

Number 5: Eating, or not eating!  This is VERY important to ignore. Mealtime, and food, is NOT anything to have conflict about. Your job is to provide reasonably healthy food on some sort of schedule. Your child’s job is to eat it, OR NOT. Pleasant mealtimes are a MAIN TOOL toward a successful relationship with your child. Don’t make them unpleasant! (Later, we will look at a vignette as Esther’s oldest daughter, Cassandra, unravels an “eating problem” with her little daughter Cadence.)

If you choose to ignore, do it because you are consciously hoping to improve your child’s behavior.

Don’t ignore out of laziness or convenience for yourself. In general, respond often to your child; particularly if they want to tell you something or show you something. If he knows he is important and valued, then “selective ignoring” will work very well as an occasional technique!