Ready-Set-Go Gently Parenting

Of course they do! Children are not born with self-control or any idea of how they should act. It is the parents’ job to help them learn these things. Children have a much easier time in life if they learn how to play well with others, how to keep safe, and many other things! READY-SET-GO GENTLY can help you to help your child.

No matter how “bad” your child may be acting at this particular time, you can’t give up on him or her! You are the parent, and you are the one who must help him change. You can do this. You will do it by becoming more gentle and giving him more positive attention. Your POSITIVE GO GENTLYs (Play, Praise, Read, Respond, Converse, and Eat together) are your tools. These are the tools that give you power over the situation. (Being harsh and negative does not give you any real power.) We hope you will study this technique every day! Believe in yourself and believe in your child. Work hard with READY-SET-GO GENTLY. We believe in you! You are one of the parents for whom we wrote the website!

READY-SET-GO GENTLY helps you shape your child's behavior,  by the way you interact throughout the day.  Soon, your child learns to guide her own behavior, and you give more POSITIVE attention as she gets it right. You will need less “punishment.” “Punishment” will never be your first-line response. Most of your "GO- GENTLYs" involve a gentle removal of the child from a situation; or removal of a situation from the child. With that said, you will certainly need "Time-Out" at times.  If you have been spanking your child often, we know it is not helpful for anyone to be judgmental, or to say, “Oh, just never do that again.” For now, try this:  Use the mantra inside your own head.  When you say to yourself, “READY”, use that one second to think of something other than “punishment”.  Your real power is in your POSITIVE interactions with your child! (A helpful section for this is in the last box, "Go Gently and Beyond", when John Martin sums it all up for the Mom's at the end.)  

Thank you for this question!  This is an everyday (or at least weekly) problem for every parent.  Using Ready-Set-Go Gently Parenting, the parent asks himself/herself if they are "READY" to deal with this!  This one might be a little more than a 1 minute "READY."  Let's assume you think about this, and you decide on a half day for this project.  Let's choose a half day a few days down the road.  You need some time to think up your "SET" statement.  (Now, if you have read the section called "Go Gently and Beyond", you know about Kristen and Makayla's VERY difficult room cleaning.  Kristen's approach works well for a young child, but not for a child who is too big to pick up and physically wrap their fingers around the items.  So you will need to think about your "GO GENTLY" while you are thinking about your SET statement.  You will need consequences if your child does not comply.)   I"m going to write this as a story.  Your story will be different, because you have to decide what will work for YOU.  (NOTE:  Please be aware that READY-SET-GO GENTLY is a very active type of parenting.  It is gentle, but it is not the thing currently being labeled  "gentle parenting.")

Some years in the past, Esther Martin's daughters Cassandra and Deidre, aged 11 and 9, shared a room.  It was often a mess, and if Esther asked them to clean up, they would argue and fuss, and always immediately think of something else that they had to do, and sometimes Esther would just give up, and angrily clean the room herself.  Esther was learning about parenting as she went along, and as we know, she eventually formulated READY-SET-GO GENTLY.  The room cleaning was one step along the way.  Esther decided that she was READY to change this situation.  On a Wednesday,  Esther made sure she had both girls' attention.  She said, calmly, "This Saturday morning we are going to clean your room.  I will help you with the laundry, but you must do most of the work yourselves.  We will start early.  No one will go anywhere nor talk on the phone on Saturday until the work is done in the room."  Cassandra immediately began to argue!  "I have a project due at school for social studies, and I have to meet my friend Jareesa to work on it!"  Esther replied, once, calmly, "Of course.  You may call Jareesa as soon as the room is clean."  Both girls began to talk at once about all the things they needed to do, but Esther did not argue.  She said nothing more.  She proceeded with her other evening tasks. The girls tried to argue these points on Thursday and Friday,  but Esther did not reply.  She only stared at them calmly.  

Saturday morning arrived.  Esther fixed breakfast for the entire family;  her husband Alford did the cleanup.  Esther then made another, more specific SET statement.  "Cassandra and Deidre, let's go to your room and get started."  Cassandra shrieked!  "I have to call Jareesa!"   Esther did a GO GENTLY:  she  took all the phones and placed them on top of the refrigerator.  She said simply,  "When we are done."  Then Esther did another "GO GENTLY", she started walking up the stairs to the room.  Both girls whined and argued, but they followed Esther.  (If they had not followed, Alford knew not to allow anything fun: no TV nor cell phone use, nor going anywhere.  They could have sat somewhere being bored until they went to the room.)  When they got into the room, Esther did very specific SET statements.  She assigned each girl specific tasks, one at a time.  This was to make things very clear, so there was no room to pretend they did not understand.  She said,  "First, Deidre, I would like you to pick up all the dirty clothes and put them in this basket.  Cassandra, I would like for you to strip both beds."  If the girls argued back,  Esther said nothing.  It takes two to argue!  The second task was for Cassandra to dust, while Deidra picked up everything that was on the floor, and put each item on the bed of whomever it belonged to.  This did not go well, because Deidra began throwing Cassandra's items HARD in the general direction of the bed.  Since this was an attention getting device,  Esther did not respond.  At the end of the process, three of Cassandra's items had bounced off the bed and were on the floor. Cassandra was finished dusting.  Esther did another specific SET statement.  "We cannot go to step 3 until all the items are picked up off the floor."  Now it was Deidre's turn to shriek.  "This is SO UNFAIR! Why are you doing this to us??"   "I like a clean house," Esther replied calmly.  "Step 4 will be to put these things away.  Step 5 will be to rearrange your drawers.  That will take a while!  We can't remake the beds until we are done with Steps 4 and 5.  I can't go start the laundry until I'm sure you two can work without fighting."  Cassandra was already putting her stuff away!  And  Cassandra's phone ringtone could be heard in the distance.  Deidra stood stubbornly in the middle of the room.  "Mom, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!" she shrieked.  "Nothing,", replied Esther.  "Nothing at all is wrong. Would you girls like something to drink when you finish Step 4."  Deidra nodded and began to put her things away.  Since they were making progress, Esther did a POSITIVE GO-GENTLY.  She brought them some juice and granola bars.  "If you can work on your drawers,  I'll go start this laundry.  Then I'll help Cassandra make both beds, Deidre can vacuum, and we'll be done!"   

Eventually, they finished.  Even though things had been a little rough, Esther was pleased with them.  She did some more  POSITIVE GO-GENTLY's.    She retrieved the phones and gave them back.  She helped Cassandra gather the things she needed for her school project.  She drove Cassandra to Jareesa's house, and she arranged for and picked up a friend of Deidre's to come over.  Deidre was secretly happy that her friend could come up to her nice clean room.   In the future, Esther will keep the girls on a better schedule about room cleaning, but they will follow the same basic pattern.  She warns them that in about two weeks,  they will need to go through the closet and take some things to charity.  They choose a time to do this.  As the gentle but firm plan becomes a routine, this will get MUCH easier over time.

 Note several things:  Esther made sure she was READY.  She kept calm.  She did not argue.  She made specific "SET" statements as needed.  She was positive.  Her GO GENTLY's consisted of making it VERY clear that the stated consequence (no phone time) was being enforced, and also her POSITIVE GO GENTLY's involved some snacks, some help, and making sure the girls were rewarded with time with friends after the work was done.  If the girls had refused to do anything at all, Esther would have waited them out.  The household would have come to a standstill, until the tasks in the SET statement were completed.  But Esther would not have screamed, belittled, complained, or insulted the girls.  Following the READY-SET-GO GENTLY pattern is a little tough at first.  But,  it is VERY SUCCESSFUL over time.  Because the children know that they will get MORE and BETTER attention when they comply, than when they do not comply.  Be sure to read the section on POSITIVE THINGS FOR PARENTS!  Your POWER is in the positive things that you do with your children.  

This is an excellent question, and a very common problem.  The family who asked this question has consistently responded with appropriate comments, such as "That is not nice talk" and  "We don't say that."   The solution is very simple.: Don't respond at all!  This is a time to "deliberately ignore."  ( I recommend that anyone having this problem review the section called,  "When to Go", and "When not to go." )   Now, for the "deliberate ignoring" to work, of course, the child needs to be getting plenty of attention for good behavior!  In the case of this particular child,  I think they are, because the parent submitting the question described how she always responds politely.   So, just "double down" on finding "good" language to respond  to!  Anytime the child says something polite, even just a random comment, respond!  But respond not at all to "Shut up.!"  The bad language will increase for a day or two, and then it will stop.  (BONUS:  this techniique works on adults and even teenagers, too!)  

Here is the full question:  "How am I supposed to use this when my kids won't leave their grandparents' house? They fight with me and scream and refuse to put on their shoes. I've even given them a timer to finish playing but in the end when it comes down to it, I end up carrying them out to the car, kicking and screaming (usually hitting me) and having to force them into their seats and buckle them. Today, I was getting pinched, scratched, spit at and kicked. How do I go about with that sort of situation"

This one is a bit tough to answer in an "advice column" type setting.  The parent did not say how old the children are:  Apparently it is still possible to carry them, but I'm assuming they are old enough to comprehend the timer, so maybe 3 to 5 years?  This parent is on the right track!  But let's take a deeper look.  

Let's look at two possibilities.  Is a trip to Grandma's an occasional super-duper fun event? Since we have all been through COVID maybe the kids just forgot how to act.  The parent did exactly the right thing!  He or she set the timer, and enforced getting into  the car when it went off. But it sure wasn't easy!   GOOD JOB, Mr. or Ms. PARENT!   Now, it sounds like perhaps everybody continued to fuss and argue for a while.  Be careful here!  It's possible the kids are doing all this to get more attention from either the parent, or from the grandparents.  Your "set" here is the ONE statement that they are to come to the car when the timer goes off.   If they don't come willingly, don't say anything else, carry them out immediately and strap them in!  The behavior may simply go away if they know that's going to happen right away.  But these kids need to learn not to physically attack their parent!  If they are old enough to comprehend, I would add one more step.  If they physically fight after the next visit, they get a punishment.  Such as no screen time the rest of that evening, or something similar and age appropriate.  The punishment should happen the same day.  The punishment should not be anything dreadful (don't deny them supper, do not beat them, dp not stick them in an uncomfortable position for hours....) but it should be something they will remember enough not to do this again.  At the same time, the same evening, give them plenty of praise and attention for ANY good behavior.  If they "sulk" or say bad words, simply ignore.  

Let's look at another possibility also.  Does the grandparent keep them every day?  Is this behavior happening every day, or several times a week?  If so, that's a more worrisome problem.  Why don't they want to go home?  First of all, be sure they are getting plenty of POSITIVE attention and praise at home.  Be sure there is not someone in the home who is actually abusing them.  I would ask that you re-read all of the eight sections on the website, especially the "Serious Stuff for Parents" section;  and analyze very hard if there is anything that needs to be changed in the home.  Now, if Home seems fine, what role are the grandparents playing in this?  Are the children reacting to some conflict which is playing out between the parent and the grandparents?  If the grandparents are physically able to do so,  they should ready the children to leave, and assist in getting them out to the car.  They should present a united front with the parent.  If not, the adults need to try to work things out privately.  

Grandparent dynamics might be more of an issue than we realize here, even if there is no obvious conflict.  What are the grandparents feeding the kids?  Are they loaded on sugar just in time for Mom or Dad to turn up?  Have they been playing hours of screen time (which maybe isn't allowed at home, and has temporarily "fried their brains?")   These scenarios are common, and it may be that this family is doing the very best it can, and there isn't enough money for Day Care, and Grandma and Grandpa cannot or will not change.  But maybe they could help a little....at least no sugar snacks right before going home time!  

My advice for now:  Keep steady.  Enforce going home; gently but firmly.  Enforce "no hitting" with age appropriate "punishment."  Double down on PRAISE and POSITIVE ATTENTION FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR at home.  But if things don't get better in a month or so,  it's going to be time for a family "Reset."  Don't give up!  Your kids are not horrible;  everyone is having issues right now.  

Thank you so much for this question.  I love it!  Here is the question in full:

Our 2/12 year old grandson gets fixated on one thing. Right now its playing with the Shark vacuum, docking  it and moving it around and taking out the dirt collector. His parents let him do this to let him occupy himself. They say ihe is in charge of the Shark. He is a loving child who gets bored. He has an anazing memory and vocabulary.

Fortunately,  this is completely normal!  Let him enjoy the Shark!  He will soon move on to something else anyway.  A big clue here is that he has a great vocabulary and is normal in other ways.   A fixated behavior can be part of autism, but is NEVER the only part of it.  It sounds like he has wise and wonderful parents, and grandparents.  

Thank you for the question.  And this one is extremely difficult!  Parenting is difficult enough to start with.  About half of parents get divorced. Obviously, they have disagreements, or they would not have gotten divorced.  This is not a site about divorce counseling, and there definitely are places one can go for that.  But in general, the advice is to focus on each parent's relationship with the child.  (in this particular case, the "child" is a teenager.)  Each parent must realize that the child loves both parents.  (No matter how awful one or the other parent may or may not be.)  The rule is to focus on YOUR relationship with your child, not bad-mouth the other parent, nor comment on what goes on at the other residence.  You say things like, "This is our house here, and this is how we do things at our house."  

Exception:  if there is true danger at the other parent's residence, you must enlist legal help or child protection, and it gets extremely difficult and scary.  

In this particular question, it seemed that one or both parents were wondering if the teenager would "learn" in some way from observing arguments happening in the presence of the teenager.  NO!  Do not argue in front of the child.  It takes two to argue, so if the other person starts something, just zip your own lips, and text anything absolutely necessary about the issue later.  Good Luck!  This is never easy. 

HINT:  Try using "Ready-Set-Go Gently" with the other parent.  The technique works well with adults too.  

Thank you so much for this VERY important question!  As you know,  SAFETY is not negotiable!  

If possible, I would recommend that all the adults involved read the Section on this website called "When to Go"?   Safety issues are Number One on the list.  Any means necessary must be taken to keep the child from getting killed or seriously hurt!  In this case, it's not difficult.  The parent is larger than the five-year-old, and the parent is READY to keep the child safe. The  parent will  physically HOLD ON to the child.  This should be done gently but firmly.  The SET statement is, "Let's hold hands while we are in the parking lot."  If the child refuses, the GO GENTLY is that Mom grabs the hand and holds on anyway. ( She could grab any part of the arm, if necessary.)  It will not hurt, unless the child struggles extremely hard, but she must hold on in any case.  If she has to hold tight, this won't hurt as much as the child getting run over or kidnapped!   

This may need to be done repeatedly.  The choice is up to the child.  If she can eventually say, "Walk right besides me in the parking lot,",  and if he will do that, then she does not have to hold on, and her GO GENTLY can be to praise him, and have a happy conversation about something!!  But the key is that the parent does not argue.  She makes the statement once, and then she holds on, until satisfactory behavior becomes normal for the child.  

Let's say that the child acts truly awful.  He throws himself down in the parking lot and kicks and screams.  Stand there, holding on, until he gets up and walks with you.  Don't say a word.  Don't beat him. Don't even look at him.  Stand there and watch the birds or the clouds!  If the adult can wait him out, chances are high that he won't do exactly that again.  

Let's say the child whines and complains.  Don't offer bribes.  Don't say a word.  Walk steadily toward the destination, holding gently but firmly.  Things will get better over time.  

Please, all parents!  Use this type of technique for any safety issue.  If he won't fasten his seatbelt, the car does not run. If he can't swim, and doesn't want to put on his life preserver, he doesn't go to the pool.  You can think of many creative options, but the key is the ONE "SET" STATEMENT, and then firm but gentle enforcement.  Children are intelligent, and they quickly learn that it is in their best interest to cooperate!  Over time, they internalize keeping themselves somewhat safe, and they learn that it's important.  (This is HUGE later on, when they become teenagers!)  

As you know, about half of marriages end in divorce.  Not all divorcing couples have children, but many do, and the situation is never easy.  People are asking questions such as "should the children be involved."?  Well, the children are involved, whether anyone likes that or not.  But as far the decision making; that is made by the adults only.  The children should never be made to feel that they are in any way responsible for their parents' divorce!  Or for any problems that the parents may have. 

Adults are responsible for their own relationships with other adults, or lack thereof.  Most states offer (or require) classes to guide divorcing parents with children.  The basic idea is that the child loves each parent.  Each parent should love their child, and should do their best to express that love to the child.  The responsibility is on each adult to do their best with their responsibilities to the child.   Each parent should recognize the fact that the child will probably have a relationship with the other parent, and to keep their mouth shut about that!  Allow the child to have that relationship, and do not say anything at all about the other parent, other than necessary information such as "Mommy will be picking you up at 4 PM."   

No matter what the other parent is doing, there is nothing you can do about it. In general, be polite, practical, and to the point with the other parent.  Focus on the well being of your child, and on your own responsibility for that.  Your own behavior is the only thing you can control!  Be the adult.  Always.  Because you are.