Ready-Set-Go Gently Parenting

Of course they do! Children are not born with self-control or any idea of how they should act. It is the parents’ job to help them learn these things. Children have a much easier time in life if they learn how to play well with others, how to keep safe, and many other things! READY-SET-GO GENTLY can help you to help your child.

No matter how “bad” your child may be acting at this particular time, you can’t give up on him or her! You are the parent, and you are the one who must help him change. You can do this. You will do it by becoming more gentle and giving him more positive attention. Your POSITIVE GO GENTLYs (Play, Praise, Read, Respond, Converse, and Eat together) are your tools. These are the tools that give you power over the situation. (Being harsh and negative does not give you any real power.) We hope you will study this technique every day! Believe in yourself and believe in your child. Work hard with READY-SET-GO GENTLY. We believe in you! You are one of the parents for whom we wrote the website!

Thank you for this question!  This is an everyday (or at least weekly) problem for every parent.  Using Ready-Set-Go Gently Parenting, the parent asks himself/herself if they are "READY" to deal with this!  This one might be a little more than a 1 minute "READY."   Let's assume you  choose a half day a few days down the road.  You need some time to think up your "SET" statement.  )   I"m going to write this as a story.  Your story will be different, because you have to decide what will work for YOU.  (NOTE:  Please be aware that READY-SET-GO GENTLY is a very active type of parenting.  It is gentle, but it is not the thing currently being labeled  "gentle parenting.")

A "Clean Your Room" Story:  

Some years in the past, Esther Martin's daughters Cassandra and Deidre, aged 11 and 9, shared a room.  It was often a mess, and if Esther asked them to clean up, they would argue and fuss, and immediately think of something else that they had to do, and sometimes Esther would just give up, and angrily clean the room herself.   Esther decided that she was READY to change this situation.  On a Wednesday,  Esther said, calmly, "This Saturday morning we are going to clean your room.  I will help you with the laundry, but you must do most of the work yourselves.  We will start early.  No one will go anywhere nor talk on the phone on Saturday until the work is done in the room."  Cassandra immediately began to argue!  "I have a project due at school for social studies, and I have to meet my friend Jareesa to work on it!"  Esther replied, once, calmly, "Of course.  You may call Jareesa as soon as the room is clean."  Both girls began to talk at once about all the things they needed to do, but Esther did not argue.  She said nothing more.  She proceeded with her other evening tasks. The girls tried to argue these points on Thursday and Friday,  but Esther did not reply.  She only stared at them.    

Saturday morning arrived.  Esther fixed breakfast for the entire family;  her husband Alford did the cleanup.  Esther then made a specific SET statement.  "Cassandra and Deidre, let's go to your room and get started."  Cassandra shrieked!  "I have to call Jareesa!"   Esther did a GO GENTLY:  she  took all the phones and placed them on top of the refrigerator.  She said simply,  "When we are done."  Then Esther did another "GO GENTLY", she started walking up the stairs to the room.  Both girls whined and argued, but they followed Esther.  (If they had not followed, Alford knew not to allow anything fun: no TV nor cell phone use, nor going anywhere.  They could have sat somewhere being bored until they went to the room.)  When they got into the room, Esther did very specific SET statements.  She assigned each girl specific tasks, one at a time.  This was to make things very clear, so there was no room to pretend they did not understand.  She said,  "First, Deidre, I would like you to pick up all the dirty clothes and put them in this basket.  Cassandra, I would like for you to strip both beds."  If the girls argued back,  Esther said nothing.  It takes two to argue!  The second task was for Cassandra to dust, while Deidra picked up everything that was on the floor, and put each item on the bed of whomever it belonged to.  This did not go well, because Deidra began throwing Cassandra's items HARD in the general direction of the bed.  Since this was an attention getting device,  Esther did not respond.  At the end of the process, three of Cassandra's items had bounced off the bed and were on the floor. Cassandra was finished dusting.  Esther did another specific SET statement.  "We cannot go to step 3 until all the items are picked up off the floor."  Now it was Deidre's turn to shriek.  "This is SO UNFAIR! Why are you doing this to us??"   "I like a clean house," Esther replied calmly.  "Step 4 will be to put these things away.  Step 5 will be to rearrange your drawers.  That will take a while!  We can't remake the beds until we are done with Steps 4 and 5.  I can't go start the laundry until I'm sure you two can work without fighting."  Cassandra was already putting her stuff away!  And  Cassandra's phone ringtone could be heard in the distance.  Deidra stood stubbornly in the middle of the room.  "Mom, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!" she shrieked.  "Nothing,", replied Esther.  "Nothing at all is wrong. Would you girls like something to drink when you finish Step 4."  Deidra nodded and began to put her things away.  Since they were making progress, Esther did a POSITIVE GO-GENTLY.  She brought them some juice and granola bars.  "If you can work on your drawers,  I'll go start this laundry.  Then I'll help Cassandra make both beds, Deidre can vacuum, and we'll be done!"   

Eventually, they finished.  Even though things had been a little rough, Esther was pleased with them.  She did some more  POSITIVE GO-GENTLY's.    She retrieved the phones and gave them back.  She helped Cassandra gather the things she needed for her school project.  She drove Cassandra to Jareesa's house, and she arranged for and picked up a friend of Deidre's to come over.  Deidre was secretly happy that her friend could come up to her nice clean room.  

In the future, Esther will keep the girls on a better schedule about room cleaning, but they will follow the same basic pattern.  She warns them that in about two weeks,  they will need to go through the closet and take some things to charity.  They choose a time to do this.  As the gentle but firm plan becomes a routine, this will get MUCH easier over time.

 Note several things:  Esther made sure she was READY.  She kept calm.  She did not argue.  She made specific "SET" statements as needed.  She was positive.  Her GO GENTLY's consisted of making it VERY clear that the stated consequence (no phone time) was being enforced, and also her POSITIVE GO GENTLY's involved some snacks, some help, and making sure the girls were rewarded with time with friends after the work was done.  If the girls had refused to do anything at all, Esther would have waited them out.  The household would have come to a standstill, until the tasks in the SET statement were completed.  But Esther would not have screamed, belittled, complained, or insulted the girls.  Following the READY-SET-GO GENTLY pattern is a little tough at first.  But,  it is VERY SUCCESSFUL over time.  Because the children know that they will get MORE and BETTER attention when they comply, than when they do not comply.  Be sure to read the section on POSITIVE THINGS FOR PARENTS!  Your POWER is in the positive things that you do with your children.  

This is an excellent question, and a very common problem.  The family who asked this question has consistently responded with appropriate comments, such as "That is not nice talk" and  "We don't say that."   The solution is very simple.: Don't respond at all!  This is a time to "deliberately ignore."  ( I recommend that anyone having this problem review the section called,  "When to Go", and "When not to go." )   Now, for the "deliberate ignoring" to work, of course, the child needs to be getting plenty of attention for good behavior!  In the case of this particular child,  I think they are, because the parent submitting the question described how she always responds politely.   So, just "double down" on finding "good" language to respond  to!  Anytime the child says something polite, even just a random comment, respond!  But respond not at all to "Shut up.!"  The bad language will increase for a day or two, and then it will stop.  (BONUS:  this techniique works on adults and even teenagers, too!)  

Thank you so much for this VERY important question!  As you know,  SAFETY is not negotiable!  

If possible, I would recommend that all the adults involved read the Section on this website called "When to Go"?   Safety issues are Number One on the list.  Any means necessary must be taken to keep the child from getting killed or seriously hurt!  In this case, it's not difficult.  The parent is larger than the five-year-old, and the parent is READY to keep the child safe. The  parent will  physically HOLD ON to the child.  This should be done gently but firmly.  The SET statement is, "Let's hold hands while we are in the parking lot."  If the child refuses, the GO GENTLY is that Mom grabs the hand and holds on anyway. ( She could grab any part of the arm, if necessary.)  It will not hurt, unless the child struggles extremely hard, but she must hold on in any case.  If she has to hold tight, this won't hurt as much as the child getting run over or kidnapped!   

This may need to be done repeatedly.  The choice is up to the child.  If  the Mom can eventually say, "Walk right besides me in the parking lot,",  and if he will do that, then she does not have to hold on, and her GO GENTLY can be to praise him, and have a happy conversation about something!!  But the key is that the parent does not argue.  She makes the statement once, and then she holds on, until satisfactory behavior becomes normal for the child.  

Important point:  When a parent is going somewhere with their child, STAY OFF THE CELL PHONE!  Give positive attention to the child, and focus on the situation at hand!  

Let's say that the child acts truly awful.  He throws himself down in the parking lot and kicks and screams.  If he is in traffic, pick him up and carry him out of danger.  Stand or kneel there,  holding on, until he gets up and walks with you.  Don't say a word.  Don't beat him. Don't even look at him.  Stand there and watch the birds or the clouds!  If the adult can wait him out, chances are high that he won't do exactly that again.  If other people stop, simply say, "temper tantrum.."  

Let's say the child whines and complains.  Don't offer bribes.  Don't say a word.  Walk steadily toward the destination, holding gently but firmly.  Things will get better over time.  

Please, all parents!  Use this type of technique for any safety issue.  If he won't fasten his seatbelt, the car does not run. If he can't swim, and doesn't want to put on his life preserver, he doesn't go to the pool.  You can think of many creative options, but the key is the ONE "SET" STATEMENT, and then firm but gentle enforcement.  Children are intelligent, and they quickly learn that it is in their best interest to cooperate!  Over time, they internalize keeping themselves somewhat safe, and they learn that it's important.  (This is HUGE later on, when they become teenagers!)  

As you know, about half of marriages end in divorce.   People are asking questions such as "should the children be involved."?  Well, the children are involved, whether anyone likes that or not.  But as far the decision making; that is made by the adults only.  The children should never be made to feel that they are in any way responsible for their parents' divorce!  Or for any problems that the parents may have. 

Adults are responsible for their own relationships with other adults, or lack thereof.  Most states offer (or require) classes to guide divorcing parents with children.  The basic idea is that the child loves each parent.  Each parent should love their child, and should do their best to express that love to the child.  The responsibility is on each adult to do their best with their responsibilities to the child.   Each parent should recognize the fact that the child will probably have a relationship with the other parent, and to keep their mouth shut about that!  Allow the child to have that relationship, and do not say anything at all about the other parent, other than necessary information such as "Mommy will be picking you up at 4 PM."   

No matter what the other parent is doing, there is nothing you can do about it. (Exception: outright abuse, or kidnapping;  you will need governmental and legal help!).   In general, be polite, practical, and to the point with the other parent.  Focus on the well being of your child, and on your own responsibility for that.  Your own behavior is the only thing you can control!  Be the adult.  Always.  Because you are.  

This is a paraphrase of the actual question, but thank you so much for bringing this up.  This problem is extremely common.  It leads to a lot of harm, and sometimes physical violence.  My first recommendation is to search your area for any type of professional counseling that might be available.  You might start by calling 988, or your county health department, or the school system. 

 But in the meantime, you can use "Ready Set Go Gently" on other adults, also.  It works like this.  He starts insulting you, or yelling at you about some imperfectly done thing.  Perhaps he is yelling at you because your child did something, and he does not agree with how you did (or did not) discipline the child.

  READY:  Take a deep breath.  Think:  are you Ready to cope with this?  If not, the writer describes that she often walks out of the room.  This is EXCELLENT!  Do that!  Take the child with you, for safety.  

  SET:  Think of a simple "set" statement.  This is something such as "I just don't want to argue about this."  Or, "I don't want to argue because it is ok if we do these things differently  We are two different people."

GO GENTLY:  Say your statement as calmly as possible and say nothing more.  Take your child and go do something else.  Do not bring this particular episode up again later.  Just let it go  And do this as often as you must.  If your ex-partner does not get any attention for acting up, he may eventually just stop it.

HOWEVER:  You and your child might be in physical danger, depending on how bad this is.  Check with thehotline.org for suggestions about how to get yourself relocated out of this situation.  Consider keeping a bag packed somewhere with essentials in case you do have to leave. 

I am so sorry you are going through this.  SAFETY is the most important concern!  I hope things get better soon.   Unfortunately,  only YOU can make the needed changes, and it is extremely difficullt.  

NO!  This is BALANCED PARENTING.  It is ACTIVE.  It is completely different.  We (Dr. Reeves, Ms. Edge, and Esther Martin) came up with this term long before someone started promoting "gentle parenting.")   I am glad the "gentle parenting" people have gotten the term "gentle" into common use.  But "gentle" does not mean ignoring bad behavior!!  It is a parent's job to guide and shape their child's behavior.  That is done by active involvement every single day!  

Thank you so much for this question about teenagers! Here is the question: 

"How do I discipline my 16 year old son when he debates everything I say? Turns the situation around and makes me the bad guy? I end up yelling and my thoughts get jumbled from being so angry then I feel bad and nothing gets fixed out of the situation." 

 First of all, both you and your son sound completely normal!  As an adolescent, he is supposed to question and debate everything.  If he has figured out how to make you angry, by "pushing your buttons", this is something that he will continue to do, because it "works"  Sort of.  But not really, so it is up to YOU, the parent, to rethink how to do this.

I have an entire book about the middle school and high school years, but unfortunately, it isn't published yet.  Let me try to distill a bit ot insight, if I can.  READY-SET-GO GENTLY works a bit differently, once the children are older.  The parent has more life experience, and yet, life has changed, and your teenager has acquired life experiences as well.  The key is to respect each other, and to discuss, but in a respectful way.  Your teenager must know that your main concern is his or her SAFETY.  You probably have other goals, which can be anything from him getting into a prestigious college, or perhaps simply him getting a job, or you yourself keeping your job so you can keep the lights on and keep the family fed.  The bottom line is him staying alive and hopefully out of jail; and you have more insight into that than he does.  Probably.  But he may not think so.   The solution starts with LISTENING.  Gather actual FACTS before you say anything at all.  Listen to his viewpoint with respect.  Use respectful tone and words with him.  Pretend you cannot hear anything that he says in a disrespectful way.

Now to get started, you must do a RESET.  You must state that you realize he is growing up, and that is hard for you.  Don't try to solve every problem all at once;  take each thing one at a time.  If there is a problem, say something like, "We need to talk about this. I want us to RESET the way we talk together.   I want us both to listen, and both to consider options.  I want us to do this calmly.  Let us set a time; we will order a pizza, and we will listen, discuss, and respect each other.  I promise not to yell nor use cuss words.  Let us discuss this one thing, and not bring up every problem we have ever had."   

Then try it.  If either of you gets angry, starts cussing, starts belittiling the other, get up and walk away.  Calmly, Say,  "We did not get very far.  But let's try again tomorrow.  Would you llke a different flavor pizza?  Or a different meal?    I want us to keep trying until we can talk about things as two respectful humans."  

Now as the parent of a teenager, you still reserve the right to "ground him", deny driving privileges, take away electronic gizmos, etc. etc.  But be reasonable!   No hitting, no denying food, and you have to respect his ideas, and his goals, even if they are very different from yours.  Good Luck!  

This is an excellent question!  But the answer may be more complex than one can answer on a website.  Fighting is, in general, a problem.  The question does not state how old the child is.  But if he or she is old enough to be in school or day care,  he may be getting in quite a bit of trouble  If he is older, such as high school, he may be getting arrested or shot and killed!  One issue is where did he/she learn this behavior in the first place?  Is there a caregiver or other parent who is encouraging it?  Some people think fighting is a great idea!  I personally think NOT;  I think it is not the best way to solve problems, and leads to many difficulties.  The child's environment may not be entirely under control.  Many people are having issues with child care, shared custody, financial issues requiring a less desirable situation for the child.  Or, everything may be ok, except there could be one other child at school who is taunting your child and encouraging this behavior..   There could be medical or psychological issues, such as communication difficulties, speech delay, hearing loss, or ADHD.  Another serious possibility is whether there is fighting or domestic violence between adults in the child's own home.  

I would suggest two different things.  If the child is young, and the fighting is happening at home, and you observe it, I would use repeated "Time-Out" to discourage it as rapidly as possible.  Make sure the Time-Out is boring, but not painful, and is of a reasonable length... about 1 minute for a two year old, up to 3 or 4 minutes for a 5 year old.  For an Elementary School child you would take away privileges such as screen time, for one day at a time.  If anyone has been physically disciplining the child with spanking, this is the time to STOP..... that will make the problem worse.  

Now, the other suggestion is a visit to the pediatrician, with a very honest discussion of what is going on.  You may need to request a full evaluation to see if there are any medical or psychological issues.  Child Find is a program available through the school system to do evaluations.  If there are any child psychology services in your area, especially anyone who does PCIT  (Parent-Child-Interaction Training), this might be very helpful.

One more suggestion....if you know where the problem is coming from, and if it is a situation in the home of a non-custodial parent or step-parent, you may need a lawyer.  But you would need back-up from your pediatrician or a psychologist, to know if the other parent is actually causing harm or not.  If you are possibly suffering from Domestic Violence, please reach out to someone you trust.  The online resource called thehotline.org is very helpful.  Also you can call 988.  Best wishes to you and your family.