Ready-Set-Go Gently Parenting

Zylvie is a beautiful child! She was born when her mother, Chantelle, was a sophomore in high school. Chantelle was the star twirler in her high school band, and she is confident in her ability to “do it all” with no help! Let’s take a look at Zylvie and Chantelle, when “Zylvie” was about 14 months old. They lived with Chantelle’s mother, Aleicea. Aleicea worked long hours and all the evening activities, including the meal, were Chantelle’s responsibility. This was difficult but financially necessary.

Zylvie attended a small day care near the high school. Chantelle picked her up each day when school was over, and they walked home. Chantelle did not have a car. She did have a stroller, so she would strap Zylvie in, and sometimes she would talk to the baby as they walked. But more often, Chantelle would chat on her phone with her friends and ignore Zylvie’s attempts to get her attention. If Zylvie was quiet and content, Chantelle was more likely to call someone on the phone. This was not rewarding to Zylvie! Zylvie was learning that “good” behavior did not get her any attention. From Zylvie’s point of view, screaming and fussing got better results.

Soon, they would arrive at the corner convenience store, and they would usually stop in to get something, such as macaroni and cheese, which could be prepared for supper. As Zylvie got older, she would fuss to be let out of the stroller. Of course, then she would run around and get into things in the store. Since Zylvie was quite adorable, she often got smiles and compliments from other shoppers. “Oh, you’re so cute!” “Oh, look at her, isn’t she just the cutest little thing.” People would even give her candy sometimes. If Chantelle noticed Zylvie taking anything off the shelf, she would either tell her “Stop!” or sometimes smack her hand. But Chantelle did not always notice. Perhaps worse, Chantelle would sometimes tell Zylvie to “Stop” about 5 times in a row, but she would not walk over to enforce the request, and Zylvie would continue whatever she was doing. Zylvie learned that “Stop” did not really mean anything. Once, Zylvie pulled an entire box of candy bars off the shelf and stuffed two of them in her mouth, wrappers and all. At that, Chantelle picked her up, told her “bad baby,” and removed the gooey paper from her mouth. Several people came over quickly to make sure that the baby was not choking, and then to generally chuckle at the cuteness of the baby with chocolate all over her face. Zylvie got plenty of attention for that! She laughed, and she learned that “being bad” was sometimes fun!

Let’s analyze this little convenience store episode.

Was Chantelle READY? No, of course not. For one thing, she was 16 years old with far too much to cope with. Even if she had been 26, shopping trips on the way home from work/school/day care are difficult! The parent and the child are tired and hungry, and it requires a great deal of vigilance to keep the child out of trouble. Chantelle was not READY or able to keep an eye on Zylvie every second. She would have done better to have kept Zylvie strapped in the stroller, because there are many dangerous items in a store, and Zylvie could have gotten hurt. But Zylvie would have probably screamed and that was too much for Chantelle.

Did Chantelle do a “SET?” No. Perhaps it simply did not occur to Chantelle to briefly explain her expectations to Zylvie. Or perhaps she thought it would not do any good. But ideally, even if Zylvie did not understand everything, it would have been best to explain to her what they were going to do.

Did Zylvie receive “GO GENTLYs?” Yes, she did. Zylvie was often rewarded with smiles and conversation from random people who, quite rightly, thought she was adorable! Chantelle always had Zylvie dressed stylishly with her hair neatly braided and adorned with bright pretty bows. Chantelle put considerable time and effort into Zylvie’s hair care, skin care, and clothes. This was a matter of great pride, and it is important. As a result, Zylvie indeed received positive attention from others. This is good, but also problematic, in that the attention was not contingent upon any particular type of behavior from Zyvlie. As we just saw, she was so cute that she got even more attention when she acted “bad.”

Now, if anyone had asked Chantelle if she disciplined Zylvie, she would have promptly answered, “Oh yes! I tell her “Stop!” all the time, and sometimes I even slap her hands. But she just won’t mind.”

You can probably identify yourself, and many other parents you know, having similar interactions with your one year old.

So, let’s analyze again. What would be the READY-SET-GO GENTLY technique here?

Chantelle cannot change the basic circumstance. She is walking home from school with a baby, a stroller, and a book bag; they have to eat, and she does not have much money to buy a lot of nutritious food, nor does she have any transportation to a full-service grocery. Most of us, as parents, have some situations that we cannot change. So, we have to look around for what we CAN change.

What can Chantelle do to be READY? She can keep an eye, and also a hand, on Zylvie. She can interact with Zylvie as much as possible, rather than talking on the phone with someone else. There is much to talk about, as they walk along together... buildings, trees, colors, cars, counting, singing, and more!

What can Chantelle do for a SET? She can say, “Zylvie, here’s our store. I need you to help Mommy get something for supper.” Later, she could offer Zylvie some non-breakable item and say, “Zylvie, can you carry this for Mommy?”

What about some positive GO GENTLYs? Chantelle can smile and praise all of Zylvie’s attempts to help. Chantelle can tell Zylvie “Thank you.” Chantelle can find things to talk to Zylvie about in the store. Children like repetition, so Chantelle can simply say the same thing every day, and Zylvie will love it.

And, what if, despite Chantelle’s best efforts, Zylvie does begin pulling candy off the shelf?

In this scenario, Chantelle is READY and watching, and she notices this problem behavior right away.

She does one SET, calmly, “No Zylvie, leave that alone.” Or “Stop. That’s not for you.”

Zylvie pays no attention, so Chantelle must do a GO GENTLY. She reaches down, removes the candy gently from Zylvie’s hand and puts it back, and then picks the child up.

If Zylvie starts screaming, Chantelle ignores that. If Zylvie is quiet, Chantelle shows her something interesting and talks to her.

There is one more parenting mistake that I would like to mention. Chantelle did not do this, but she has seen her friend Ronneshia do it. Sometimes, parents over-react to misbehavior. If a toddler pulls items off a store shelf, that does NOT mean the child is inherently “bad,” or destined for jail, or “hyper,” or anything else in particular. It is entirely normal behavior. PLEASE do not assume your child is “bad” just because they get into things!